How to avoid hurting the ones you care about the most

By Tan Teen Zhen   •   4 minute read

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Like many others, the circuit breaker allowed me to spend more time with my parents at home. This was a blessed opportunity, especially since I hadn’t spent much time with them since I started working. As much as I welcomed the time spent at home, there was also an issue I had to face head-on:

I needed to teach my mom how to use digital devices. 

Dealing with simple functions on the computer has become almost second nature to me, so when my mom first complained that she could not select something she wanted, I thought something might have crashed on the computer.

It turned out my mom had been pressing in the middle of the touchpad rather than at the side, so the computer did not register the selection. She had been using the laptop for a few weeks by then, and I was busy with something else at that time, so I was harsh in my tone when I gave her instructions on the basics of selecting (“The clickable part!”) and copying text from one document to another. My mom was unable to grasp the processes I tried to teach her, and I became more frustrated as we went on. Eventually, I grabbed the laptop, placed it directly in front of me, did what she wanted for her, and left to do my work.

I regretted lashing out at my mom, but the damage was done. When I apologised to her later, my mom admitted that she felt hurt from the episode, and she became unwilling and scared to ask me questions about using the laptop.

Often, the ones we hurt the most are our loved ones. Our words, actions, or even unvoiced thoughts could wound the hearts of our loved ones, simply because when we strike, we know where it hurts most.

How can we stop ourselves from doing so? 

1. Learn to appreciate the kindness of our loved ones

   I was surprised when, a few days later, I overheard my mom telling my aunt that I had been a great help to her for resolving her computer woes. My mom would appreciate what little help I gave her, while I had been rude and hurt her with my words. I had to do better.
   
   I tried forming the mental habit of bringing to mind acts of love and kindness I remember receiving from my mom whenever I feel the tiniest frustration growing in me. Once I was able to prioritise the gratitude I have for her in my mind, I found it much easier to work against my temper and be calm.
   

2. Stay humble

   Sometimes, we simply have to let go of our egos. One of the tell-tale signs for me when I know I am getting too absorbed with myself is when I think, “Why me?”
   
   When I catch myself thinking that way, I would take a step back and try to place the other party’s needs above myself. I would ask myself: Will my actions cause my loved ones to feel bad? Are my reactions hurting them? Do I really want to do this?
   
   Changing my perspective allowed me to break out of my own self-absorbing bubble. I found myself having more agency to initiate change and resolve problems in these situations.
   

3. Breathe

   One of the easiest tricks I use to control my spiralling emotions is to control my breathing. Simply speaking louder than usual will require more energy, even more so if you’re shouting or throwing a tantrum! If you find yourself losing it, take deep breaths. Take as many as you need. Being in control of my physical body and emotions makes much more sense than the other way around!
   
   It took me some practice to remember to count my breaths, but breathing practices helped me become more patient and my tone of voice as calm as possible.
   

4. Apologise

   What if the act is already done? How can we fix our mistakes?
   
   First, identify what went wrong and feel truly sorry about it. I thought my mom felt hurt because I was harsh, but it was the way I spoke that diminished her confidence in working with the computer. I admitted my mistake and apologised. 

   Then, re-establish the right attitude and do not repeat the mistake. Being sincere in our apology also means to reassess the way we think. It might take some time, but I have been able to calmly teach both my parents computer literacy these days, even when I am preoccupied or have to repeat myself. 

5. Make amends

   Last but not least, make amends. It is important to know that what has been said and done cannot be undone. The karmic seed has been planted whether we like it or not. The only way now is to accept what consequences there are and move along. There is a whole lot of knowledge there, but I believe the key is to be sincere.
   
   Be sincere in your regret, your apology, and make up for the mistake as much as you can. 

As Confucius once said, “The cautious seldom err. A man who has committed a mistake and does not correct it is committing another mistake.”

This advice rings true even today.

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