Postnatal Depression in Dads: My Personal Experience

By Papa Leow   •   10 minute read

I went through quite a dark period (between Jun – Dec 2015) of my life without me knowing it consciously, and definitely without me showing it on social media.

Recently, I came across an article on Postnatal Depression in Dads (some links at the end of post), and realised I probably suffered from Postnatal Depression after K came crying on Mother Earth. While it was brief and I assumed mild, I actually did not cope too well.

My life was in a turmoil after K arrived. I could not cope with that significant change(s) in life. Obviously, there were not many photos to capture those dark moments, but I went back to re-visit the “pain” then.

I confessed how exactly I felt then, and the behaviour I displayed during that period.

Who was this blob of flesh?

Why is he always so “grumpy”?

• I was utterly fatigued from the disjointed sleep every night, as I woke up terribly cranky. I was easily agitated.

• I was utterly confused at my purpose as a Dad. I would wake up almost every feed, but not being able to nurse K because Wife breastfed him. I simply woke up to change diapers, wash bottles, burp him, or at times I woke up in a daze and was not even contributing effectively. I hated every chore I did because I felt I was merely supporting this parenting journey.

• I wondered if I could be excused from the “support” duties simply because I had work the next day.

• I was slave to this blob of flesh who simply could not sleep properly, cried incessantly, and had to poop every now and then and I had to be the one to clear up his mess.

• I dreaded my Mother-in-law’s assistance, and felt she was trying to impose her values and way of life (I actually have the best Mother-in-Law whose love is unconditional)

• I wanted badly to go out at night to chill and enjoy, and to lead my former life before K arrived. I could not, and I felt my Life was taken away.

• I kept trying to buy things online, using material items to fill the emptiness I felt.

• I took up Skating as a Hobby, giving myself a “legit” reason to leave home for two to three hours for my me-time (Yes, I recently just gave away the Skates I bought then too).

• I dreaded the routine my Wife created for the family, and blamed my Wife for over-catering for K, and did not prioritise me at all.

• I was cynical of the help people tried to render.

• I took part in a half Marathon with my friend, trying to fill the void that I had become a “useless” dad who only stays at home and does mundane chores.

• I felt deprived, because Wife was simply too tired for intimate moments, and blamed her lack of involvement in intimacy.

• I took my time to return home from work, because I did not want to fall back into that grind again.

• I wondered if that infant period was ever going to pass. I was uncertain if I was ever going to get hold of my own life again.

This was a forced smile from me. I was tired. But hey, I became a father and I’m supposed to know how to take care of this little being and be able to do it all. Things actually went by in a blur as I grind through each day.

• I questioned if I made the wrong decision to have a child. I wondered if I could escape it all. I actually felt really helpless at the state of things.

• I, very regrettably, even hated K for robbing away MY time, MY wife, and MY life.

This is as real as I get, as I reminded myself how selfish a person I was, and probably still am.

I was trying to learn as best how to deal with K, just as how he was trying to learn about this world he came to.

That smile that warmed my heart once in a while, and then the dark days continued.

Well, most of us all went through and suffered, did we not? Yes, I survived and seemed to have come out “fine”. But the truth is, I may not have truly internalised how and why I went crashing into that state of depression, still have not truly found a way to overcome it and, in the midst of all, these definitely caused suffering for others too.

How do we ensure that we do not simply just cope, and hang onto life, but be able to prepare ourselves better, react calmly and positively, and turn each and every experience into one without suffering.

At the root of all these suffering I experienced, was my deep beginning-less love for MYSELF. Because of my love for myself, I could not summon any true & lasting compassion for my family, had no wisdom to see the importance of my role and the good in others and the experience, and definitely did not have the physical and mental strength to accomplish my role as a father properly. I also kept looking outward for things to distract me and hopefully gain me happiness, but nothing truly solved the issue.

For far too long I have been loving myself, placing myself before others. Whatever I did, was essentially only for my own gains. Yet at the end of the day, it only brought me more suffering. I kept myself in this endless cycle of Greed for myself, Frustration when I could not satisfy my greed, and lack of Wisdom to solve any of these problems in life completely.

I truly regret my love for myself, and my lack of a bigger heart. This is why I see the need to work on shrinking myself in constantly and in as many ways, as I try to break free from these suffering.

A cry can agitate someone but bring out compassion and empathy in another I kept questioning, why was I the kind of person who reacted like the former, instead of being a better person? It must mean I had so much room for improvement on my own end.

Over time, K grew stronger, and it finally felt like it was more worthwhile.

❤

The dark days do not have to last, if we are aware (I wasn’t aware of what was to come), go in prepared (I did not read up nor prepare previously, as I thought I’d wing it fine), and are ever ready to try changing our own mentality (I definitely was not as inward looking or reflected as much back then).

Until that time when we can truly put others before ourselves and drive that energy towards giving for others, the torment will only seek to return. 

More about Postnatal Depression in Dads:

- Postnatal depression in dads: 10 things you should know by National Childbirth Trust (NCT), UK’s largest parenting charity;

- Antenatal depression and postnatal depression in men by Raising Children Network, an online parenting resource funded by the Australian Government which provides peer-reviewed articles and evidence-based tips and tools for everyday parenting;

- Postnatal depression in dads by BabyCenter, a pregnancy and parenting digital resource based in San Francisco.

- This article originally appeared on Greening Away Blog and has been republished with permission.

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