Zen Parenting: Teens and Youths
By YD Events • 15 minute read“Look into the eyes of the children, the windows to their soul, so full of innocence and curiosity. Should we not take responsibility in choosing what we demonstrate when this window opens in front of us?”
A zoom recording of the actual session.
As part of June Holidays engagement, Youth Development Department decided to run a series of parenting sharing sessions where Buddhist parents of BW Monastery share some of their parenting experience and how they applied Buddhism in this life-long learning journey.
In the third session for Zen Teens and Youth, Daddies Jereme and Martin are invited to share alongside Siqi, as our host and moderator.
Daddy Jereme is a father of 2 children, a daughter who is 15 this year, and a son, who is 12. He is also a successful entrepreneur and passionate in sharing his experiences, skills and wisdom to the younger generations.
Daddy Martin is a father of 3 children, 2 daughters (21 and 9 years old) and 1 son (15 years old). He is a financial planner by profession and social worker and counselor by passion. He has been in the youth worker movement for many years, training and equipping youths with the knowledge and skills to live a better life.
When did you first start applying Buddhism in your parenting methods?
Martin: I started applying Buddhism in parenting when my son and daughter was born, the realization that gratitude towards the parents… it’s not easy, seeing my wife for giving birth to them and the responsibility as a father… I started to appreciate Buddhism more, after seeing my newborn.
I joined BW Monastery in 2015, over here I appreciate more about gratitude especially towards parents, even enhanced me. Prior to joining BW Monastery, I have been learning Buddhism for almost 15 years.
Jereme: I have been learning Buddhism for the past 10 years, started in 2011 with BW Monastery, learning the Lam Rim and attending classes weekly. I would say that for the first 3 years, I haven’t really been a good student. While I do go for the classes, the concept doesn’t really stick.
Until 2014 to 2015, I had the opportunity to go to Taiwan, and that was when I started to become more in touch with Buddhism. I started applying the concepts more into my life. For the last five to six years, also having been going through the trying times as parents - I think a lot of parents would also have testaments to that - especially when children are going through the different phases, how do you find certain inner peace applying some of this Buddhism concepts.
Also, not just to resolve any life issues or frustrations, but also going the longer way, as parents, how do we translate Buddha’s wisdom to the next generation. So that they would make wiser decisions.
Why did you decide to apply what you have learnt in the Lam Rim with your children?
Martin: I think, of course, we believe that it’ll help them a lot. Especially in term of understanding that every kid is different. In Lam Rim, we understand that everyone comes into this world with different talents, different strengths and different potential. So, make them aware that they are different from the rest, there is no point comparing with your neighbours, school mates or any person; make them feel more confident so that they do not feel inferior if they are no good in sports or memorizing vocab or others… this is mainly what I learnt and inculcate in my children – that they are all born with different talents.
This is what Buddhism teaches me, and as parents, it is our responsibility to bring up their potential, and at the same time learn that the relationship between siblings and parents are fated. We are not here by chance, in a way, they chose us, and it is our responsibility to connect and build the bond.
Jereme: My views are quite like Martin’s: the way that we go about learning Buddhism, is not about academic subject, rather practical Buddhism. Meaning we should like our life with Buddha’s wisdom. Using that itself is not only about parenting, but because parenting takes up a big chuck of our life, hence during the last 15 years of my life, I’ve been thinking about: what is a good yard stick that we could apply as to whether we should live as a person? Or whether we should live as a parent? And how do we apply this yard stick and transform these principles back to the next generation.
My thinking is simple, how our parents has brought us up, they would have inculcated whatever values that they think would have been important. From my perspective, if I were to do the same, could I have done it better? When I started searching on that answer, I chanced upon Buddhism and I realized that there is this yard stick, the benchmarks of how you live a life that could be more fulfilling, more purposeful… in Buddha’s words it’s about seeking happiness, and eventually eliminating sufferings. It is what all of us are trying to achieve.
So, for me, having seen the benefits of what Buddhism has done for myself, how it changed my course in work and in life, it would be a blessing to pass down some of these Teachings. 2600 years of wisdom would not have withstood the test of time if it hasn’t had those wise Teachings that can elevate us from sufferings. So, I thought if I could pass those down to my children, it would be very beneficial. And to do that, I would have to live and lead by leadership, that’s why I started to inherit and integrate those learnings first, before I use those Teachings as an example as daily life affair.
Was everything great at the beginning? What difficulties did you have to overcome?
Jereme: I concur that parenting is not easy. We don’t have a textbook to guide us. We go through university but there is no parenting university for us. We learn from our failed experiences. The difficulties that we overcome, as what Martin shared a little about it, as parents we naturally have the expectations over our children. I think the closer you are to somebody, the higher the expectations. And it is about how you live a life trying to mould somebody that you love and care, into somebody but doing it without that expectation. To me, I think that is the toughest.
The second toughest, is when you have those expectations, as well as disappointments and frustrations, along that journey comes along tension and conflicts that you will then have to resolve with the children. In Buddhism, we will talk about the three poisons, and anger being one of them. And anger, as parents, you will naturally feel that… it’s quite common, sometimes when your child don’t follow instructions or don’t adhere to certain things that you have set up as a rule, or repeatedly does that. That is where you couldn’t fathom as an adult, and you also see that teens are teens, already understanding how the world works, but they just don’t follow instructions. That is where you get a lot of frustrations. So, on that note, how do you then apply the Buddhism Teachings to fight that.
Martin: I concur with Jereme. I think for guys and women slightly different; my wife will tend to nag more on small things, but when the father opens his mouth, they will shiver. I think this is because the one who seldom speaks, when he does or scold, they will feel the difference.
There was this incident in the car 10 years ago, while we were travelling, the two children were playing behind – I had two that time – my wife was saying, “Daddy is driving, keep quiet.” She was saying this for 10 minutes, but they continued to play around. So, I stopped the car, dropped them off, I didn’t say much and drove off. From that incident onwards, they learnt... but
after learning Buddhism, you understand that at that moment, you may release your frustrations and you want to teach a lesson, but until now, they still feel the fear in them.
Sometimes when we are angry, especially for men, it’s difficult to control. Like today’s news, where a guy murdered his employer and injured his two colleagues, all these are because of anger. So, I understand there those frustrations need to be controlled otherwise we might hurt others, especially our loved ones due to expectations. I need to remind myself frequently, men especially, that we don’t – in the spur of the moment – say the wrong thing or hit them hard. To us, it is the moment frustration, but what you have done may not be forgiven by others.
Siqi: We know that parenting is not easy, but besides it, a lot of interpersonal relationship creates also a lot of afflictions and frustrations. Just like what Jereme said about the three-mental poison – greed, anger and ignorance – arises easily and creates obstacles. We also know that the three mental poisons impede our spiritual development. So, it is very important that we try our best to curb them.
Share 1-2 methods that you applied and found useful.
Martin: The best way – not so much on Lam Rim, but on what I learn on the social work side – I have three kids now in different stages: one in primary, another in secondary and the last in polytechnic. I can see the stages of changes as they age. I think we need to understand, realise and acknowledge that they are different. Even if the three kids are the same age at 10 years old, they behave differently despite being in the same environment.
So first, we must acknowledge that, and tailor make our treatment. We cannot assume that they are all good in math or science… they have different talents. Secondly, the way they respond to things as simple as ‘Om Mani Padme Hum’ chanting are very different: one is being forced, one does it willingly, the other will do it, but after happy go lucky and not sure what is going on.
All these tell me that every child needs a different method, there is no standard way of parenting. For example, the younger ones, they look for companionship, a sense of security. As they grow older, they look for identity, to know who they are, to do something different, so they will look for friends. And for those older then 19, they will be looking for intimacy against isolation. So, they will go into a relationship. This is a part of growing. Therefore, we need to read a lot and be aware. And in Buddhism, it touches a lot on such too and I believe, the more we listen and attend (lesson), we know that the parenting style that we learnt from our parents may not be applicable now, not fully. We need to adjust accordingly as well.
Jereme: The last statement that Martin made, makes a lot of sense. We tend to fall back to what has been applied to us – the parenting style our own parents applied to us then, may not necessarily work the best right now. I use this as a reminder to myself not to compare to how we are brought up. I think this is something as parents, we will tend to do and when we fall back on this, we set up an invisible yard stick wondering why “they can’t do this”? Our threshold of tolerance is a lot higher. But I think at this stage of life, I found this concept of Buddhism useful is karma.
Karma teaches us the law of cause and effect. Just like gravity, it is a law. Whether you believe in Buddhism or not, it’s there. So, if you have planted certain seeds, then the effects would have ripened at some point in your life. I use this to remind myself, when I encounter certain conflicts, especially these days with my son.
My son is someone with a very strong opinion of his own. Coupled with his very strong tendency of his habitual habits, meaning when he sticks to something, he doesn’t let go. As such, at a twelve-year-old level, I sometimes find it very hard to get something into his head. I will always remind myself of the story of Siddhartha and Devadatta, the cousin of Buddha – I’ll always call him my Devadatta – so Devadatta is the one who always harm Buddha, and Buddha will find all compassionate ways and means to help His cousin.
In the same light, when I apply karma to how I treat my son, it is about how do I look at the situation at large and how do I help him since certain things are fixed. From a point of view that it is being planted previously, how do I help him from this point onwards, create more virtuous seeds. By virtuous seeds, you know tendencies of being angry – in Buddhism anger is considered non-virtuous, bringing about more non-virtuous (deeds) eventually – so how do I stop and create more virtuous karma? This has been helpful and useful for me – holding me back – if not I would have lashed it out and even caned him. I have stopped caning him for about two to three years. These are little transformations that Buddhism have helped.
My daughter stops confiding in me after going to Secondary School. I have difficulties understanding what is in her mind. What should I do?
Martin: The key difference between primary and secondary school is more freedom, more chance to explore – some parents might allow the child to travel themselves – they start to have more friends and understand that what the parents say might not be always true.
They will have their own opinions from friends, or influenced by social media – it’s okay to hand in homework late; spelling doesn’t need to be 100%, 90% is fine too – they start to think. It becomes more challenging – they will feel that sleeping at 8’o clock is not necessary, their friends sleep at twelve – they start to compare, and fight for their rights.
The best is to talk to them, understand them and understand their friends. Have a good chat with them, and as parents, set up house rules that is mutually agreed. House rules like Fridays and weekends, when time to study and when and what to play. For my son, after he went to secondary school, I allowed him not come home after school, as long as he comes back for dinner. No questions asked about where he goes, because I know he needs some freedom. Rather then he lies to go out with friends to Waterway Point… because he knows Daddy may not allow. So I will say, “just go, don’t worry. Just tell me you are safe… as long as you are home by 6. If you need extension, tell me the reason and I may extend to 9pm.”
To me, they are growing, let them explore the world, or even get lost for one afternoon or evening. It is part of learning because if I am fourteen or fifteen, I would like to go out with my friends and explore. So give them some freedom. It is one of the methods I will apply.
Jereme: I am second guessing that this question came from a mum. As what Martin say, when a child goes from primary to secondary, the kid will have to go through the phase of finding their own self-identity. Typically at this phase, during the pre-teens to teens period, I feel they are a lot closer to their own friends, parents and siblings will take a step back.
As Daddys here, we are pretty chill, in a sense that we will carve out the OB markers and we let them have some space. This is what I have been doing – I let my daughter, perhaps talk to her friends, while keeping a routine with her, such that it allows her to have a safe haven for her to share some things she may want to share. I think it is common, as they discover this new phase of their life with independence and their own new found freedom. We should not be too stringent on that.
One important thing I always try to live is that, as parents or head of a household,
we often try and put up this false front that we are their role models, that we are infallible, always so strong and without flaws. But I think it should not be this way.
In fact, we should be authentic. I feel that as long as we are being authentic as a parent and as a person, and to tell the kid that we also have our flaws and we will also make mistakes. I think by opening up with them in this way, they will also be more open to share about their mistakes. It is a two way channel, rather than we always come up with the rules, the instructions, and the OB markers and they see as such that they are here to comply. One good way is to let our hair down, and be ourselves and gel with them.
Siqi: Maybe let me share some experiences as a youth myself. This is actually a first sign of wanting privacy. It means that your daughter might want some kind of privacy. If you always pressure her in wanting her to confide in you, it might break the relationship because she needs this privacy and by building a relationship (in this way) with her, it might make her more resistant. Privacy definitely needs to be respected. You can, while respecting her privacy, try and get closer to her by maintaining a friendly mother or father daughter relationship. With that, the next question is also related to privacy.
My daughter blocks me from social media, what should I do? I heard that she filmed a lot of Tik Tok Videos and have been talking to strangers online.
Martin: I personally do not have this experience. I have access to all their social media. I do not make any comments even if I see something, I will just subtly say my suspicions to them. I allow them to be at their age. What they want to post is not only for the parents, but for their friends. They want to have that sense of belonging to their own social circle which is part of their actions to show that they are associated with certain groups. We shouldn’t comment on that unless it is illegal or non-virtuous. Otherwise, I am very open on this.
Of course, if they start to comment or like on certain religion or politics, I will be strict on it and tell them that certain topics should be avoided.
So my boy, someone posted him doing a Taekwondo sparring in school. It went up quite fast, within 1 hour, there were 4000 over views. When he realised the seriousness, he confessed to me and his mummy, about this video and it might go up to the discipline master quickly. So we know it was not a fight, but a spar in the school compound. When the discipline master called us later in the evening, we were prepared and say that we are aware and we have warned my son not to do it again. This is something I will be open to my kids that open communication is very important when it comes to social media.
Jereme: To add on to what Martin said, the rules should be set and reminded constantly. The rules would mean about telling them that these days, I will tell them that common sense is not common anymore – everything has to be told. From their perspective of things, they may not have the sensitivity to know what is the OB markers. We have to be elaborate about it saying that, “hey you know you should not post about certain things.” And you talk it through whenever you read up about certain articles like that and let them know the consequence. So, you learn from somebody else’s mistakes that we should not do these things.
I do not really police their accounts as well, as what Siqi has mentioned, a growing teen value their privacy.
By going into that circle, it might invalidate their sense of them thinking of trying to grow up.
As parents, we always try to apply handbrakes on that. I think it should be a bigger room for that to fail and learn from their mistakes. So long as it does not become anything that could be illegal or criminal. At least, in that OB marker context, let them know that – for example they go to Carousel and get scammed – those will be just little points of mistakes that they will then have to learn. We cannot always be there to fool-proof their lives. Sometimes we have to let go, in a boundary that as long as they are safe.
Siqi: Thank you for your sharing. Let me share a few words too. As mentioned just now, blocking a parent from social media might be a sign that the child wants some privacy. But it might not be something bad, maybe because the child shared some contents where she might feel embarrassed about if the parents are looking at it. So there is no need to feel exceptionally worried about it.
But I do understand the parents point of view because the child has been talking to strangers online and we know that social media is a dangerous medium as it can expose certain bad contents. From what I think, there is no need to restrict her using social media, but educate her on the disadvantage of using social media. By educating the child would realise how dangerous social media can be and it will be better than restricting her what and how she wants to do.
Parents would use the 'good guy', ' bad guy' model on their children. Is this in concordance to Dharma teachings?
Jereme: I am not sure whether it is in concordance, but whether is it a ‘bad guy’ or ‘good guy’, it is about just having two sets of – let’s say between me and my wife – very different individuals with different backgrounds and values. If I were to look from this perspective, you cannot have two persons going in and reiterate being the bad guy.
In the kid’s perspective everything will come crumbling down because there is no safe haven for the kid to have somebody to turn to if one of the parents is wrong. I always feel that whether if its according to Buddha’s Teachings, is to look at a simple rule of not creating the non-virtuous (actions). Non-virtuous means the ten rules of karma, the most usual ones are ignorance, hatred, anger… the three poisons that was mentioned earlier.
It is about how do you then not get angry?
I have done this experiment so many times, sometimes by being angry, it doesn’t solve the problem. In fact, as I compare with my earlier self – when I cane my boy – it didn’t really create any impact. The punishment was supposed to create an impact such that he remembers after it he should not do what he was warned not to. But it doesn’t work that way. For him basically I realised, that after you commit all that non-virtuous, getting angry and everybody’s relationship goes sour, it comes back and reset and he does it again.
At some point of my life, I thought about that what if at one point he says, “come, come and beat me.” That is when you do not have any other recourse because he is not afraid of you, what else would you use as a threat? So, to me it is really about what would be a wiser way? Could there be a wiser way? Could there be a more compassionate way of dealing with them? I think that is what Buddhism has taught us. I ask myself that we are in ignorance, and because we are ignorant and hence we apply some of our way of thinking or mundane way of dealing with things, which may not be the most tactful means.
Martin: From Buddha’s point of view, there are 84,000 ways to solve a problem. Sometimes me and my wife, when we try to solve an issue on the kids, it’s not really ‘good’ or ‘bad’ guy but whoever suggested the ways that we work – through a lot of testing as well. For example, coming to eat for dinner, my wife might say, “eat, eat”… it didn’t work. But I just need to sit down and say, “eat!” and everybody will seat down to eat. So am I the good guy? Or the bad guy? I don’t know how to differentiate.
Same when it comes to ants in the kitchen when someone drops food on the floor, to me, I am fine and would think that as an offering, let them eat. But my wife would be very strict and talk in a loud voice when this happens. So my kids will know that every time after eating they will make sure to clean and vacuum and there’s no eating in the room.
This is the house rule. You will realise the house rule is not set by either party, but a natural law to keep the whole thing working.
But it is true that, in terms of bad guy and good guy role, when the children are very naughty and both parents are very angry, me and my wife agreed that only one parent is allowed to scold. The other will either keep quiet or observe from a distance because if both parents scold the child, the child will have nowhere to escape and he or she may go into depression. There might be a psychological or mental injury that we cannot observe physically and might take a long time to recover which may result in depression or anxiety. We are very careful in this area.
How should I support my children when they are seeking for their identity and guide them to be self-motivated in life and school work?
Jereme: This is a tough one, I think may be yourself (Siqi) would answer this better, coming from a pre-teen or teen perspective.
I feel that from anyone’s life, it should be able to be approached from a purpose. Even my youngest staff working with me, when I address them and ask them what is their passion and purpose, a lot cannot answer because they do not know enough at that phase of their life. But yes, if you have a kid who has identified their strength and purpose, then it would be a lot easier.
But if you don’t… in fact I was asking myself when I was twenty-five or twenty-eight, at that stage of my life, I pretty much won’t know what I want. But I do know what I do not want. From what I do not want, and after eliminating, you are left with what I want. That was how I discover my own purpose in life.
Right now, we have more resources and the internet, and a lot (more) access to mentors, what we can do as a parent, is to help them identify earlier in their stage of growth, some of their interest. When you talk about interests it links to passion, may not necessarily be true, but there may be some relationship because when you have interest you have certain enthusiasm, you sustain that for a longer while. When you have that, the kid will go a lot longer in trying to uncover or develop his skill sets in those areas.
If you can, help them and talk to them from YouTube or whatever things you come across as material. Talk to them, as an observant parent, putting down your handphone and having a good conversation and observe some of these things they may be leaning towards.
By showing the interest, and helping them to get access to all these resources and research, see whether they can go into that trajectory.
Martin: To me, most important is to build their self-confidence when they are young – find every opportunity to rejoice or motivate them when you know that they have done something right – even if its learning how to swim, or to do certain stunts. For me, it’s about Teakwando, certain kicks or patterns… try to compliment much more than what a lot Asian parents are stingy about. We do not praise our children as much. I think it is lacking in the Asian culture or as a family culture. I will try every opportunity to give them the, “yes!”, “wow!”. The “wow!” is very important, “wow! This is so good! I didn’t know that, please tell me more!”, I think this increases their confidence.
Encourage them to read widely and more. Share with them stories about successful individuals be it in sports, academics… any areas. Let them have the feel. I think when kids are fifteen or sixteen, they start to choose the course, let them plan whether to go to poly or… it’s time to tell them the difference between engineering, accounting, business, et carta… give them more information. But we cannot decide for them.
This is the thing I want to address: we do not decide for them.
For myself, my father wanted me to be an engineer because my uncle was an engineer doing well. But after I completed my diploma in electronic engineering, I quit and do business from certificate level onwards until now. So, I have learnt that we should not decide for our kids. Let them discover, read more. We can tell them about the roles, duties and responsibilities of what they aspire to be. This is more important. Let them choose, ask them is this something they are looking for? What are the benefit that they will get? The limitations and requirements? Ask them and let them think, rather than deciding for them – we don’t have the strength.
Anyone can do anything, believe in your kid. Even if she is poor in English, she can be a lawyer. We never know. If she wants to be a lawyer, let them be because if the passion is there, within one year she can learn English better than others in four years. So do not doubt our kids who they want to be, just give them information to motivate and empower them. Empowerment is important at this age.
Siqi: As a youth myself, what I’m going to say might resonate with most youths too. Frankly speaking, when we talk about identity, I am sure that many youths are pliable and influenced by society. What we see on social media will affect us, sometimes unconsciously.
Many times, we find our identity be seeking for it outside and not within ourselves. This is something worrying for parents and also the youths.
Why? Because of social media, we compare ourselves with others and might not be aware or confident about the strengths we have. “Wow, she is so pretty!”, “He has so many friends!”… this is what we see on social media and hence many youths do not introspect or contemplate on their own strengths because we unconsciously compare ourselves with other youths. So how can parents support us? Maybe try to inspire them to “fly themselves”, let them know their self-worth, nurture their confidence and know their strengths. Praising them is one of the methods and another is to let them know their strengths.
My child started to have self-harm thoughts. How should I support him/her? What should I do?
Martin: This sounds more like a social worker duty, we often face with such issues. Self-harm is an indicator that he/she went through different stages – he/she have no listener, no one to turn to or talk to, something that cannot be resolved and cannot seek help. Now, most importantly is to find the reason behind. Is he being bullied? Or belittled? Or he feels inferior? Especially in secondary school, inferiority is common – it might be because among the friends, most are 40kg and he is 50kg. To us, we think it’s normal and healthy. But to the child, he may feel differently.
There are many reasons behind, so it is best to look for a third party, either refer to the school counsellor or Singapore Children Society where I did work with them, we have free counselling for all walk-in cases. Talk to them, all information are private and confidential even the parents will not know, and they are neutral. Get a third party to enlighten you and make sure you are in a safe environment. They may also refer to other helps it necessary to make sure that your issue is solved.
Self-harm is dangerous and life-threatening, and will need some expertise, it is the first stage of suicide. This needs to be addressed seriously if you find that your kid has this tendency.
Jereme: To add on, what Martin has shared is also the mundane way of dealing with things: seek a professional. In Buddhism, we are taught that there is a supra-mundane way, where if we rely on ourselves the effectiveness of the approach may be limited. But if we rely on the triple gem, there could be more to be gained. In Buddhism, it teaches us about making virtuous offerings. What are some of the virtuous offerings that can be made? There can be light – every day you can help on your behalf of your children – make certain light offerings, water offerings if you have a Buddha (at home), or go to a Monastery, or even in terms of monetary donations.
Before I learned Buddhism, I thought of it as superstitions or rituals. But I have learnt that there is an intent and purpose behind these little actions: it helps somebody to gain merits.
When you do not have enough merits to overcome certain obstacles in life, sometimes by relying on the fields of a greater merits strength like Buddha, they would help you to overcome some of these obstacles. Similar, when I recall back to when I was young, my grandma would tell me to chant “nan mo guan shi yin pu sa” when I am scared at night or something I am fearful of. It is the same, just that our grandparents did not learn Buddhism, and now that I have learnt, there is a whole chapter on the meaning behind all these little acts. It is all written in the sutra, so they are not my words but the Buddha’s, so there are some truths to it.
When the mundane and supra-mundane way acts together, it would be best of both worlds to help your child.
Siqi: Thank you both speakers. When I read this question, what comes to mind is the four-noble truth – suffering, origin, cessation and the path. 2500 years ago, Buddha himself realized there is suffering and set foot to understand the cause of this suffering. When the child started to have the self-harm thoughts, there should be a cause to such thoughts and parents should try and understand the problems the child faces and where these thoughts come from. Like what both Daddies mentioned, we can try to talk to them or seek professional help.
There are a lot of tips both Daddies have shared, and we may not be able to apply all of them immediately, but it is the little things we have learnt the makes a big difference. I believe that all parents can bring about a positive influence to their children.