When Death Knocks: How I Coped With The Hardest Part of Life – Death and Grief.
"There’s no other way to accept death positively than looking at it through the Dharma. "
It was extremely difficult coping with both my parents’ deaths last year. My mother’s passing hit me the hardest because we were not only close as mother and daughter, but she was my closest virtuous friend too. She was suddenly discovered to have been stricken with stage 4 cancer and 2 months later, she passed on.
During the months of caregiving, the concept of infinite lives really helped me understand that her demise was merely the passing of her physical body, and that her consciousness continues. I knew separation was not permanent and our paths will cross again along our journeys towards enlightenment. That gave me a lot of comfort.
Throughout my mother’s life, her faith towards the Triple Gem and her Gurus had always been strong.
What I found admirable was that this faith of hers did not waver during her last days and especially during her final moments, grew even stronger.
Seeing how she sought refuge and had so much conviction in the Triple Gem, I witnessed firsthand how the power of taking refuge truly transcends all the suffering and our fear of death. I believe that her strong faith and virtuous roots will lead her to a favourable and she will not be lost.
My mother had been diligent with her studies of the Dharma and planted many virtuous seeds throughout her life. She had been a student in BW Monastery since 2003 and volunteered in the Evergreen Class. The law of Karma assured me that her rebirth will be one that is special and positive.
What I grieved about the most in the entire ordeal was having to witness her surfer. I am slowly coping with it, and it’s difficult knowing that I will still encounter more of such grief as most of us, including my loved ones cannot escape the process of sickness and death. However, such suffering and grief isn’t something we have no solutions for because we have the Triple Gem to guide us with the teachings through these difficult times.
The Dharma taught me that death can come anytime and life is impermanent. This means I should not only be relying on the Dharma in the face of death. The practice of relying on the teachings and the Triple Gem should be done now, in the present. As I contemplate on death more, I find the importance of accepting that death is inevitable. Contemplating this puts a lot of things in perspective for me and allows me to focus on what I can actually bring forward to my next life and beyond. That means that things like relationships, material enjoyment, wealth and even petty emotions become more insignificant.
The Dharma really steers me back on the path to enlightenment and help me discern the meaning of life and things around me. There’s no other way to accept death positively than looking at it through the Dharma.
Undeniably, I still do fear death. But the things I fear for have changed. I fear that when my time really comes, I am still very far from the ideal state of what I hoped to be or that my life is still futile.
Will I be able to hold as much conviction in the Triple Gem as my mother did in the face of death? Thankfully, it is not something I can’t control.
I can continue to develop faith in the Triple Gem so that I can transcend into my next life with certainty of what is to come.
The Sangha community really guided me closely on how to view this situation and how to stabilize my mind. Knowing there is the Sangha community to rely on even for funeral matters. There are so many people I can turn to being here.
Where can you get people like this in your life? I just really think it’s so special. My Dharma friends came for the wake and sat there overnight, just for my mother.
They all came together and prayed for her. We conducted prayer sessions every week, even prior to her passing and she always looked forward to them. While my external support is very strong, I know I cannot fully expect them to deal with the grief for me. After all, I am the one going through these difficult emotions. There is still a lot of innerwork that I have to do. But it is really good knowing that there are so many support systems here.
Dawn Chen Pei Qi, 39
BW Monastery Staff
