Involved in a Extra Marital Affair episode, who brings the most suffering to us? (Part 1 of 3)
By Papa Leow • 3 minute read
This post forms part of a total of 3 posts, where we explore and learn more about our inner self, how we generate suffering in our lives, and most importantly how to overcome the suffering. In the absence of suffering, we hope to gain true happiness and clarity in our lives.
My wife and I recently celebrated our 6th Wedding Anniversary. I am deeply in love with her, and I could not ask for a better partner. Over our anniversary lunch, we somehow ventured into the topic of Extra Marital Affair, where we discussed a fair bit on our reactions and reasons should one of us stray at some point in our relationship.
While the discussion was hypothetical, we wondered if there was more to “Love”, and whether there were aspects to it we were blindsided to.
This was when I discovered how flawed my love towards my wife was, and the truth was that I loved MYSELF more than anyone, and my love for MYSELF is the ROOT OF MY WOES.
Is my above statement really the case? Let’s slow down, read on, and observe for ourselves.
Imagine the scenario where I found my wife involved in a extra marital affair. I would imagine I, or many of us, would be utterly heart broken. Pained by the fact that our dear partner had strayed and lost that love for us, we seek hard to find back that love, only to drown in anguish.
Questions are:
What and where then, did our anguish and suffering come from?
Did it come from the fact that our partner had strayed?
Did it come from the fact that he/she did not love us anymore?
Did it come from the act of betrayal or dishonesty?
Did it come from a partner who changed?
What is the root (true cause) of our suffering here?
1. THE INCONSISTENCY IN OUR LOVE
Compare our love for our family (parents/children) to that for our partner.
When our family is happy, we are happy for them.
When our family is upset, we are upset too and empathise.
Now, assuming our partner is no longer happy in the current relationship with us, and managed to find someone else who he/she is happier with.
Why do we NOT feel happy for our partner?
Why are we not able to be happy for them?
Likewise, when our partner struggles throughout this period, why are we unable to empathise and in turn be able to care for them?
It seemed to me then, that my kind of love for my partner is limited. In times like this, it seemed like I would not be able to overcome this sea of anguish. That my problem at hand is the biggest, and I cannot afford to spare anyone else any attention and care, and definitely not towards my strayed partner.
We can also ask ourselves what is the greatest “love” we are capable of as human beings. Should it be all encompassing and be the brightest of all feelings? Would it be able to bring true happiness to us all? Does it discriminate? Should it be applied with discretion, in scenarios that suits our liking, or only when we have something to benefit out of?
As I observe our human interactions and relationships, I see how biased and limited our love is. Our supposed love for others, stripped naked, is nothing more than love for ourselves. Ultimately, we want the attention, love and the good that come when we give.
Comparing the kind of love I have for others, to that of great saints like Mother Theresa, Dalai Lama, and many others, I cannot help but be ashamed of my level of love I have for others. Comparing my love for my wife to that which Mothers have for their children, my kind of “passionate” love seemed really shallow at times. I must, learn how to truly love.
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In the next 2 post, I will share another 2 perspectives/answers, as well as the key to overcoming our woes.
Disclaimer: I do not advocate extra marital affairs, nor am I saying I condone such acts. Individuals who do so will have to bear the consequences of the wrong doings,
The key takeaway here is that we must reflect and see the root cause of our woes. While we can (and also cannot) control the external factors in life fully, we can have 100% absolute control of our thoughts, if we practice and hone our thinking enough through our daily lives.
