The Child I had before Kyler – Leow Xiao Fu
By Papa Leow • 3 minute read
I had a child before my first son K. He was called “Leow Xiao Fu （小福）”
Unfortunately, he did not make it to see the world, and we did not get to see him. In fact, he must have had a horrific time, because his innards grew outside of his body, and where there was a slight chance the body membrane might grow to push the innards back into the body to develop into a normal healthy being, it never happened.
Yes, we went through a miscarriage before we had K. This happened in Mar 2014 at around Week 12-13 of the gestation. It was worrying and tragic, as we dealt with the loss. Each time I thought about it (and I still do), it brought me back to the solemnness of Life & Death.
Because of that, it got me questioning.
Why me? Why us? Why does it happen to some and not others? (I then found out that miscarriage is more common than I knew)
Why don’t I have the ability to change this “misfortune” of mine? Or do I actually have some, or any kind of control?
Is there any way to prevent this physical and emotional suffering? How do I view such incidents and deal with it positively?
Why does seemingly good people meet with ill fate, and seemingly bad people “get away” with good life? Why is there so much (perceived) “inconsistencies” in life.
Should I simply accept it as luck, poor luck, or it is what it is? Why can’t I seem to find a proper answer to the phenomenon of Life & Death?
While it was not the end of the world for us, it was for this little being.
It was not until this incident in 26 years of my life (then) that I truly felt and appreciated that this Life of ours is indeed a miracle.
A life was “easily” lost like this.
–
Now that I had gained a blessed human life, what was I going to do with my so fleetingly previous time here?
Was I simply going to eat, work, play, sleep my entire life, or was I going to make better use of my human life to do something.
What makes my human life any greater than any other beings? What do I have in this life of mine that is so much more blessed that others? (I compared myself to animals and what not creatures too)? What am I actually missing in my life direction?
–
With my questioning, I started to look for answers. Answers that contained Truth and could address the profound question. Truth that could stand logical reasoning and test of time. Logical reasoning that granted me keen observation skills and wisdom to discern morality. Wisdom that allowed me to choose a path that can bring lasting happiness in the constant flux of impermanence. A path that we all seek, which is to gain happiness.
In Buddhism, I found answers to Life that no one had talked to me about before. As I observe, contemplate and practice, my confidence in this path grew, and I cannot be more relieved at my blessed life.
In Buddhism, I found the answers. While a large part of Buddhism remains fuzzy to me (due to my inability to comprehend deeper), whatever I could observe concretely and understand was logical, clear, stood the test of my further probing. It also brought me lasting happiness like I never experienced before. I was and am overjoyed.
No amount of motivational speeches, videos, posters, discussions, have been able to clearly and thoroughly cover the vast and overwhelming phenomenon of Life & Death. Too many “smart” beings out there trying to debate these phenomenon and solve the afflictions, which they themselves cannot resolve. Even amongst Buddhist, there are so many different ways of interpretation and Practice, that one must really step back to observe and contemplate a lasting solution.
If I must rely on someone, I must rely on One with complete Compassion, Wisdom, and Ability. Buddha, being the “Enlightened One” can and is willing to show us the path to lasting happiness. More importantly, we ourselves must seek and practice it to attain that happiness within ourselves.
It is nothing superstitious and magical at all.
It is simply solution(s) offered by someone who has completely and clearly seen the root of all woes, and so compassionately offered a clear and logical path (solution) to free us from our woes.
It was with this awakening lesson that I decided to make a change to my petty life. I did not want to continue flowing along in this endless cyclic of greed, frustration, and ignorance. I must rely on the wiser ones, work hard on my Practice, with the ultimate aim to free all sentient beings from their suffering.
Growing up in a Buddhist family with my kiddo =D
