“Becoming” by Michelle Obama: Valuable Learnings from the Former First Lady of the United States (2/2)

By Tan Yi Ming   •   8 minute read

Previously, in part 1 of my book review on Michelle Obama's "Becoming", I analysed how her mindset of “When they go high, we go low" was similar to the Buddhist attitude of not seeking revenge against someone who has shown anger towards you, hence clearing away any negative karmic connection.

For part 2, I would like to focus on how Mrs Obama exemplifies humility by keeping her pride and ego in check, and comparing her experiences to what I have learnt in my weekly Dharma class. In Buddhism, afflictions are a cause for the creation of suffering. "Pride" (慢) is seen as one of ten afflictions. It occurs when one allows the mind to become inflated and assumes an aspect of superiority over others. Thus, Buddhists seek to eliminate pride and to see all beings as equal so as to eradicate any sufferings that may arise from such a mindset. 

Having grown up in a poor working-class family, Mrs Obama's hard work and rise to fame is something that she should be proud of. However, she also acknowledges that it is important to not be blindsided by pride and become overconfident. I will now explore the key methods used by Mrs Obama to ensure her self-confidence does not turn into arrogance. 

Fighting pride by having someone to keep you in check

Staying in the White House, the First Family is served by a countless roster of assistants, butlers, chefs, and cleaners who work around the clock to ensure that their every need is met. Mrs Obama was worried that such extreme privileges might cause her to lose touch with reality, especially so for her two daughters who were moving in at the early ages of 10 and 7. She was afraid that they would grow up spoiled with a false sense of entitlement.

To counter this, Mrs Obama invited her own no-nonsense mother, Marian Robinson to stay with them in the White House in order to create a sense of normalcy. Mrs Obama describes her mother as the most down-to-earth and least pretentious person. She cites how her mother even insisted to do her own laundry after she moved in, which surprised many of the housemaids in the White House. In a recent TV interview, President Obama shared how he was grateful to have his mother-in-law around, as she was an important figure in the upbringing of his daughters. If she saw her granddaughters acting "bratty" she would remind them that they have not done anything significant as compared to their parents, so they have no right to be acting special. 

Similarly, in Buddhism, we strongly emphasize the importance of finding a competent Teacher who can help us identify our faults and properly guide us to eradicate our afflictions. We are also taught the advantages of residing in a strong community, with like minded friends who can help to remind us to do virtue and help create a conducive environment for practice.

Buddha once said, “Should you find a wise critic to point out your faults, follow him as you would a guide to hidden treasure.” (From the scripture Dhammapada) 

Fighting pride by looking inwards and being honest with yourself

 From many of the experiences shared in her memoir, we can see that Mrs Obama is excellent at overcoming her own insecurities and being honest with herself. A great example was how she chose to solve problems that had arisen early in her marriage, before her husband was elected as President.

From the outside, the Obamas seemed like a perfect match, two capable individuals with promising careers. However, her husband's political aspirations meant that he had to spend a lot of time away from home, leaving Mrs Obama to juggle caring for their young children amidst her hectic work schedule. This caused tension between the couple as she felt that her husband should take on more responsibility around the household. Thus, she strongly urged for them to admit that they needed help and to seek marriage counselling to address the issue. Despite some pushback from her husband, who had suggested they just read some self-help books on marriage, they eventually plucked up the courage to go for counselling, and were able to settle their differences.

This contrasts many couples, especially in Asian societies, who may not have the courage to honestly face each other to talk through relationship issues, much less go for marriage counselling as it can be viewed as something shameful. Thus, because of not addressing such problems up front, these issues will fester and eventually lead to unhappy divorces.

As for Buddhists, we are trained to be introspective, looking within to identify our own faults in order to understand how to best apply the Dharma as a remedy. This might be difficult at times, as it is not easy to admit our mistakes and to show our weaknesses. However, it is important for us to do so, in order to continually improve and learn from them.

“He who can curb his wrath as soon as it arises, as a timely antidote will check the snake's venom that so quickly spreads, — such a monk gives up the here and the beyond, just as a serpent sheds its worn-out skin.” - Buddha (From Sutta Nipata)

Fighting pride by exercising empathy and compassion

During her husband's presidential campaign, Mrs Obama was able to meet and listen to the issues shared by many military families. She felt deeply for them and made supporting military families one of her main agendas as First Lady. Visiting wounded soldiers and their families helped to put her own problems in perspective. This is because, no matter how tough or overwhelming her problems might have been, she shared that it paled in comparison to those of military families’. There were parents who lost their children and spouses who were faced with the challenge of taking care of their permanently disabled partner for the rest of their lives.

She shared in an interview, “A lot of times all I could do was simply be there to sit in silence with the wife of a young soldier or the father of an airman. We’d smile at each other as we’d watch wounded warrior's children playing on the floor, doing their homework by their parents’ bedside. Maybe we’d hold hands and pray. A lot of times we’d just cry.”

The experience of reaching out and empathizing with military families had humbled Mrs Obama. It had taught her that despite the sacrifices her family had made, with their every action under constant scrutiny as First Family, many other families had sacrificed just as much, if not more.

In Mahayana Buddhism, compassion is seen as the most important pillar along with wisdom. Practitioners are taught to cultivate compassion towards all sentient beings by recognizing their suffering and hence developing a strong motivation to alleviate their pain. By practicing empathizing with others we develop less of an attachment to ourselves and hence learn to let go of our pride.

Fighting pride by practicing generosity

Having experienced first hand the lack of equal opportunities due to being of a minority race, Mrs Obama made sure to use her influence to give back to her community and to those who are disadvantaged.  One of the ways she gave back was to invite children to the White House for workshops, camps and other parties. Many of these children were of minority races or from poorer families. She shared that her reason for doing so was to give them an experience of life in the White House, so as to inspire them to think big and believe that they themselves could one day reside there as President of the United States.

She shared that many of her aides cautioned her about holding too many parties, as it was in the middle of the 2008 recession, and the parties could be seen as an inappropriate use of resources. However, she pushed back, believing that children were the future and it was important to ensure that they could make high aspirations even during a time of economic decline. “As far as I was concerned, the optics were just right.” Through this we see Mrs Obama selflessly placing the needs of the children above her own public image.

Likewise in Buddhism, generosity is seen as one of the Six Perfections required to generate the Spirit of Enlightenment. Practicing generosity allows us to be unattached to resources or self thereby developing strong ethical discipline. With strong ethical discipline we are then able to restrain ourselves from wrong views like those arising from arrogance.  

Also, we see many who are successful forget about those who have helped them from the start. They attribute their achievements to their own merit, and only want to be associated with people who they see are on par with them. This is in stark contrast with Mrs Obama who wants to inspire more people to be able to achieve the same success as her. Likewise, the main reason Buddha teaches the Dharma is so that we can one day be like him and attain Buddhahood, eliminating our sufferings.

“Give, even if you only have a little.” - Buddha (From Dhammapada)

With that, I would like to conclude my book review which I hope has been helpful. There is definitely much to learn from Michelle Obama's humbleness, benevolence, and willingness to self-improve. She is a role model we can all look up to, so if you would like to read more about her experiences, do consider her memoir "Becoming".