Death is only one breath away

By Tay Hui Fen   •   6 minute read

I woke up dreaming I was being executed in the morning. What a halloween gift. 

Then, I met an uncle who lost his consciousness, collapsed in the park when I was running. There was a small crowd beside him and having no medical knowledge, I continued my run since I can't be of any help. He may just have had a bad fall I thought, but with a closer look, his body looks stiff, face turned black with eyes wide open. It was a scary and unbearable sight to see.

As I continued running, I became worried and many thoughts arose. Has someone called the ambulance? Why am I feeling so indifferent when the sight I just saw is clearly not a good sign? Is he going to make it? So, feeling something was amiss, I ran back and asked if someone had called the ambulance. Innately, I joined in the crowd while waiting for the ambulance to come and every second seemed so long to pass. 

Life is so precious and unpredictable. 

Since young, I was being taught the concept of birth, old age, sickness and death. I always had this mentality that death would only happen to the senior and old, who have been sick and frail. But clearly, I was not being mindful of death and the time battle with the grim reaper, who will show no mercy when the time race is up. 

This incident reminds me of a personal near death experience, back in hospital, year 2017. 

Having a recurrence of allergies reaction, I was back in the A&E ward again. The doctors on duty were puzzled with my conditions as the medication given in my previous consultation should be sufficient to cure. But the symptoms resurfaced and did not subside. 

Doctors are supposed to save life. Ironically, I was almost killed by a doctor by accident. As part of the standard treatment, I was given two jabs by Dr Wong, who was a little older by my age and clearly lacked experience with giving jabs to patients where you can find the blanket white in colour was being beautified and stained with my blood like a picasso art piece. Thankfully, I am not fearful of needles. 

Soon, a jab for my second medicine (Diphenhydramine, commonly found in cough syrup) which aint supposed to be given all at one shot, was given to me. I thought I was given alcohol (obviously not!); as within a blink of seconds, I could sense traces of pure ethanol out from my nostril and mouth, with Dr Wong still holding on to the jab on my elbow. My toes and fingers felt cold, hands turned numb, and my head felt lighted (I guess this is the feeling one will get when consuming drugs- on high and as if your head is being separated with your body) at the moment she pulled out the jab and left the ward. 

The ward was left with no one and I began to feel terrible...

“Excuse me! Can someone help me! I feel terrible!” I shouted. No one came. I guess I was too weak to even project my voice. As dramatic as it may be, I have missed my chance for about 3 times. I waited anxiously against the time race with the medical reactions happening to me, for another nurse to pass by. Running out of energy, I knew there would only be one last chance. I did my last but best bet- supplicate to the triple gems, praying furiously for help. I slipped into a condition of losing control over my body immediately after calling for  the last help when I saw one nurse walking by. I was being welcomed and taken control by a sudden attack of breathlessness, hyperventilation, involuntary shivering and a great sense of discomfort. 

A quick emergency rescue was performed on me. The sounds of rushing footsteps, closing of curtains, beeping sound of machines operating, the conversations exchanged by the medical staff… In particular, the conversation between the doctors (Dr Wong and a more senior doctor) is not helpful at all in which I came to know the cause of my great discomfort could have been avoided simply by giving the dosage in gradual amounts instead of a quick one shot.

I noticed the state of my mind was full of hatred and anger. I bear a little grudge on Dr Wong. But Lamrim has taught me that I will fall into the miserable realms if I were to pass on, given that I haven’t been doing much significant good deeds in my life, and with this state of mind not in calm. 

As I could really feel that I would pass on anytime, I felt the urge to prepare for my own death. I tried recalling the various methodologies and practices that I could use as though I am flipping the Lamrim, from my years of studying. First concept that came into my mind was OMAK which we were taught since the beginning of our Buddhism class. But damn, it’s really very difficult for me to OMAK her! It’s already challenging for someone like me, who has not been practising how to observe others’ merits, cultivating a heart of gratitude; let alone to OMAK someone who gave you such discomfort.

(I tried some other methods, but to no avail; as I was too engrossed in my own discomfort.)

Suddenly, one perspective flashed upon my mind. The merits of rejoicing from making great aspirations! I was able to see things better from a different angle. Swiftly, I forced myself to think logically that no one is born to have experience and may I be part of her learning journey in becoming a better doctor, and no one else in the future will have to walk through the same ordeal. And I then refocused all my attention to continue praying to the triple gems. Miraculously, I could feel that with a shift of perspective, I was less controlled by hatred and anger and the state of mind was more calm. 

One thought during the emergency rescue that struck me really hard was what have I been practising?! This is also the motivation for me, going back to my Buddhism class after so many years. Ultimately, we are in our own hands to determine and shape our own future, be it this lifetime or the next after this. 

How far are we away from death? As cliche as it may sound, we are just one breath away. What legacy would you want to leave behind? What merits (or bargaining chips) do you want to bring forward to exchange for a better next life? We never know what is going to happen to us the next second, just like I wouldn’t have imagined I may be gone from a jab, the uncle who went jogging wouldn’t think he would collapse. 

I am thankful and amazed how Buddhism has broadened and widened my perspectives, although I am still a work in progress to discover a better and happier self.

….

To the uncle, I hope you’re well although my intuition from observation and my nurse friend told me otherwise. In whatever circumstances, I wish you nothing but the best.